Parentified Child and how you can heal from it? - The Meeting Matters
 

Parentified Child and how you can heal from it? - The Meeting Matters

March 8, 2024by Iqra Hidayat0

What does it mean when we speak in psychotherapy about being a parentified child? Children are subjected to a variety of role reversals in which they are expected to assume responsibility for the duties that adults perform. Many things might lead to this predicament, and it is not about blaming your parents. Perhaps the parent was psychologically ill, or one of them had to work two jobs to put food on the table because the other one was an alcohol addict. Hence it is not about blaming and holding a grudge for them however when we are talking about mental wellness and evolving our personal growth and health, we must focus on what we experienced and be honest about it.

So what happens to us when we are parentified?

  1. Being parentified makes us extremely overtly focused on other people, which makes it difficult to establish a strong sense of who we are. When we think about children, they are quite self-absorbed. The nature of childhood is ‘me, the universe’. This is supposed to be like this but when you are parentified, you find yourself in a position where you have to put other people before yourself. As a result, it’s difficult for you to identify your needs and desires.
  2. As a result of parentification, we focus on the needs, desires, and wants of others above ourselves which creates a disconnect between us and ourselves. It is like a disconnect in knowing ourselves because we are compulsively driven to take care of or please others.
  3. In relationships, we establish the tendency to over-function which is doing more than we need to or more than our share. The thing about over-functioning is that you will attract the under-functioning. It is also possible that you might attract a regular functioning person. Your compulsion to over-function might inspire someone to under-function. If you constantly say ‘I’ve got this, I’ve got this, I’ve got this’, eventually people stop offering because they are like:‘okay I guess she’s got it’. Then the resentment comes in the form of ‘why am I doing so much in this relationship’ without realizing we are the ones blocking it with our over-functioning needs.
  4. You take emotional responsibility for others. It means you are always trying to fix if someone is feeling bad and you feel responsible which is never the case. When we do this in our childhood, it makes our childhood not carefree which it is supposed to be rather we are always worried about our parents. This puts a huge burden on the child. When you grow up, what happens is that you feel emotionally responsible for other people. You start to spend a lot of energy and time on others and how they feel and if you are doing something for them.
  5. You become the ultimate caregiver in your relationships. You’re the one who’s taking care of everyone, whether it’s friendships, could even be work relationships where you’re just the one who’s always thinking about other people, always wondering if they’re okay.

What can we do to heal?

As a child, since we have limited awareness of the world accompanied by limited cognitive development, when we are given the role of adult to take care of others, we internalize that role and we continue to do this in our adulthood as well. Now that you are more aware of the world, you must take the lead and relieve yourself of the burden of being parentified.

  • The first and foremost thing is to reparent yourself. When we were parentified, we did not learn how to regulate our emotions. Our parents in a healthy family co-regulate our emotions with us. The parents teach the children their emotions as they witness the adults managing and expressing and putting words to them, helping them to express their emotions instead of being bowled over by them. You can say I’m feeling sad or I’m very angry. This is a way of regulating your emotions so that they’re not taking over you. You’re managing and integrating them.
  • Reparenting yourself also means self-care. You must up your self-care. It can’t be all about other people all the time. It can’t be all about work all the time. You can’t constantly be trying to get two things done at the same time because you’re so efficient. That’s not self-care, right? self-care is resting when you’re tired. Self-care is making sure that you’re sleeping enough at night. It means you are hydrating yourself, exercising, and doing what is best for your health.
  • The next thing you need to do is to get to know yourself. Start dialing into your likes and dislikes. How you feel about things, because when we’re parentified as children, we are taught to just not pay attention to our feelings. Because the show must go on no matter how we feel we learn to numb our feelings. So you have to radically become curious about who you actually are. Who was the core of you? Let that blossom without being parentified.
  • Finally reconnect with your inner child by enjoying simple, playful activities and making time for fun without worrying about parentified or productivity. List three fun activities for the week and emphasize the importance of nurturing yourself and your inner child. Prioritizing self-care, understanding your preferences and boundaries, and treating yourself kindly are essential for psychological health and personal growth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iqra Hidayat

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